A celebration that went wrong: a composition model essay
Jadon Chor, P5 (improved version)
Pictures: firecracker, food poisoning, ambulance
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Below is a picture of DRAFT 2 of the student's composition. Our students go through multiple rewrites to improve their composition writing skills. We have presented the improved version of this draft in this blog. We have highlighted good phrases that were used in this composition.
Model composition - Primary 6 - A celebration that went wrong
“Open up!” my scream echoed through the shopping mall. I knocked on the toilet door while clutching my tummy in agony. “I really need the toilet. Open up!” I begged my uncle. Behind me was a snaking queue consisting of all three generations, unanimously clutching their tummies and crying in agony. We all had food poisoning! “Ugh! It must be the undercooked pork!” I groaned, to my chagrin.
Just an hour ago, our family was having a regular gathering dining on delicious food. It was a family gathering for my birthday. Suddenly, a gnawing pain radiated from my tummy. I clutched my stomach and groaned in pain as I rushed to the toilet. Not long after, everyone else followed. We all got food poisoning from the undercooked food we had eaten.
To make matters worse, there was only one toilet. A snaking python-like queue, which consisted of my family members, had formed. The entire family had a gathering outside the toilet. Everyone grimaced in pain as we waited for our turn to go to the toilet.
Some of us started vomiting, so we went to the nearby hospital. The doctor diagnosed us with food poisoning. He prescribed us some medicines and advised us to have plenty of rest. We learned to hear that we would make a speedy recovery soon. Relief washed over our faces as the ordeal was finally over. Even though my birthday was ruined, I was grateful that I was still alive. This will forever be etched in my mind as a celebration that went wrong.