A desperate situation composition topic model example
Student: Zoanne Leung, P5 (Improved version)
Pictures given: Passport / Waking up late / Drowning girl
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Below is a picture of DRAFT 2 of the student's composition. Our students go through multiple rewrites to improve their composition writing skills. We have presented the improved version of this draft in this blog. We have highlighted good phrases that were used in this composition.
Model composition - Primary 6 - A desperate situation
The sun shone brilliantly in the sky, which was dotted with fluffy white clouds. It was a bright and sunny Sunday—the perfect day of fun at the beach. Ava and her family sank their feet into the soft, pristine sand at East Coast Beach. It was the first time Ava had ever been to the beach. She was wriggling with excitement and could not wait to build sandcastles and swim in the sea. Many of her friends have told her that swimming in the sea is very cooling and building sandcastles is great fun.
Despite her father’s warnings of all the dangers lurking in the sea, the foamy and invigorating water was too tempting, enticing Ava to have a swim on her own. The waves danced about as rays of sunlight glistened across the surface of the crystal-clear water. While her father laid the picnic mat under the shady tree, her mother took care of her younger sister. After some hesitation, Ava changed into her swimming suit and sprinted for the sea without her parents. As she entered the water, adrenaline pumped through her veins. The excitement was plastered on her face. She was ready to have some fun!
Ava splashed around the water and swam a few strokes into the sea. She had momentarily forgotten about the depths of water and the possible dangers at sea. Without thinking twice, she continued to swim around in the sea.
Out of the blue, Ava felt an acute pain in her ankle while treading water. It was so intense that it handicapped her ability to swim. Her eyes were filled with tears. She knew it was not going to end the way she expected. She was in a desperate situation. The formidable undercurrents yanked her downward as water gushed into her mouth and choked her throat. She started to swallow a lot of sea water. “Help! Help!” Her cries for help were drowned by the sea water. Waves of panic hit her. She thrashed in the water and flailed her arms desperately to grab other people’s attention. She was starting to lose hope. She desperately needed someone to come to her rescue.
Upon hearing the cries for help, Ava’s father immediately recognised the voice and knew it was Ava. He shoved his way through the crowd and plunged into the sea. With firm and steady strokes, he swam expertly towards Ava. He wrapped his arms around Ava’s neck to keep her head above water, tugging her forcefully towards the shore.
With tears draining from her face, Ava’s mother called the ambulance in tears. Ava’s face was as pale as a sheet of paper as she lay motionless on the sand. Ava’s father administered cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR) to resuscitate her. Suddenly, she jolted awake, purging the water she swallowed earlier as she regained consciousness. Sighs of relief reverberated through the air.
Just then, the wailing of the sirens echoed in the distance, and the paramedics arrived at the beach to check on Ava. She was then taken away on a stretcher for further checks at the hospital. Lying on the stretcher, Ava reflected on the earlier incident at the beach. She learned that she should have been more careful of her limits, as it was better to be safe than sorry. She promised her parents that next time she would not go into the water without them. Remorse washed over her in tidal waves. She vowed to never let such desperate situations happen again.